Breaking the Cycle: Applying Wisdom.
Student – Lama la, I easily get irritated and angry. It is destroying my relationship with my family and friends, and I feel embarrassed after an outburst. I try to control my mind, but it doesn’t work. What can I do? Thank you.
Master – Meditation will help. I don’t mean sitting on a cushion with your back straight — though that can be part of the process — but rather by observing your emotions.
Anger and irritation manifest as physical sensations. Often, the chest feels tight, and the breath becomes fast and shallow. There may also be an uneasy feeling in the stomach.
Observe these sensations. Don’t analyze them. Don’t label them as good or bad. Just be aware of them. Mingyur Rinpoche often says, “When we are in the river, we cannot see it. Only when we are out of the water can we recognize it as a river.”
The same applies to anger. When we are caught in the emotion, we are pulled along by it. We have lost control. But when we can observe the emotion, we are outside it, free from its control.
However, emotions are powerful. Like a strong river, it is not easy to escape their force. We need to develop a technique and build our strength. This is where sitting meditation can help.
When we sit on a cushion, it is easier to observe our emotions without being swept away by them. As our skill progresses, we can handle stronger and more intense feelings.
What happens when we sit? Do we try to block negative thoughts? No. We simply maintain awareness of the breath. If we try to block thoughts, their power will only increase.
It’s like when someone tells you not to think of a piece of music. From that moment, the tune you were told not to think about will play over and over in your mind. The more you try to push it away, the stronger its presence becomes.
Instead, we become aware of our breath entering and leaving our nostrils. We note that it feels cool when we inhale and warmer when we exhale. If it helps, we can count each round of breathing — one full inhalation and exhalation counts as one. If we lose track, we simply return to one. If we can maintain awareness up to a certain number, say, eleven, we start over again when we reach eleven.
This type of meditation is the first step toward connecting with our original mind, which is always calm, like the depth of the ocean. Emotional waves may come and go, but the depths remain peaceful.
If you tire of observing your breath, you can use a sound as support —perhaps the sound of a river, a fan spinning, traffic on a highway, or a breeze in the trees. In this case, just be aware of the sound instead of following the breath.
As you become more accustomed to this practice, you can use anything as a support — such as anger or irritation. When you feel annoyed, notice the physical sensation in your chest or stomach.
Next, expand your awareness to the entire situation. Recognize that anger or irritation is not one solid experience. It consists of many aspects: the physical sensations, the object arousing your anger, and your past experiences. If one of these parts is missing, anger will not arise.
Becoming aware that emotions — and all phenomena — are compounded and changing is the beginning of wisdom.
Later, you can analyze why you feel angry or annoyed. Are you perhaps being too idealistic? Are you expecting everything to conform to your standards or expectations?
Of course, accepting situations doesn’t mean tolerating mediocrity or rudeness. You should still expect work to be done in a timely and polite manner. At the same time, recognize that your friends and associates are not Buddhas, but humans, and humans can sometimes be lazy, arrogant, and rude – just like us.
If you can accept this reality, your reaction will be less influenced by anger and more likely to be straightforward and rational.
In this situation, we are akin to a wise mother whose teenage son is going astray. An unwise mother might acknowledge the rebellious spirit of teenagers and permit him to do whatever he pleases. Another unwise mother might pull her hair out and scream at him, questioning why he has such a bad attitude. However, a wise mother understands that teenagers often exhibit wild behavior and get into trouble, yet she still guides him back on track. Essentially, she remains calm and understanding, but continues to take action.
If we can analyze situations this way, we will act in a sane and rational manner, neither blaming others nor holding unrealistic expectations. This understanding has a cooling effect, like lotion smeared on a burn.
In conclusion, be aware of the physical sensations caused by your anger and irritation. Don’t judge or try to change them. Simply be aware of them.
Over time, recognize that anger is not a solid entity, but arises from the combination of many factors, including your own temperament and past experiences.
Finally, when you are calm, analyze the causes of your annoyance. This doesn’t mean passively accepting negative situations. Instead, like the wise mother in the example above, respond with understanding, not anger.
The two meditation practices I’ve mentioned are shamatha (shinay) and vipassana (lhatong). It would be helpful to find an authentic teacher to guide you in these techniques. In Thimphu, you might consider attending classes at the Dhyana Thimphu Meditation Centre on the second floor of Thimphu Plaza, Chang Lam.
In reality, we can never be entirely free of emotions and suffering until we awaken to the truth. The methods I’ve outlined above are only temporary fixes unless they lead to this awakening.
Take a child’s experience at a tshechu/ festival as an example: he watches the mask dancers in fear, and while his mother explains they are not monsters but monks in masks, her reassurance only calms him slightly; his fear lingers, and he still believes the dancers are monsters.
Later, during a break, he goes to the toilet and sees one of the monks removing his mask. In that moment, he realizes his mother was right — the dancers were not monsters, but monks in disguise. This realization immediately ends his distress, and from then on, he can never fear the mask dancers again, even if he tried.
When combined with bodhichitta and right view, vipassana meditation — practiced in its many forms — can lead to such an awakening. Calming the mind may bring temporary relief, but it doesn’t address the roots of suffering. Through dedicated meditation and Dharma practice, one can awaken to the nature of reality, achieving permanent liberation from suffering.